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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Happy Halloween

Even to the curmudgeons amongst you

Show of hands: How many of you buy the candy you'd most like to get stuck with? Let me know if it's less than 100%.

I first heard this poem in about 1969 or thereabouts. It's still good!

By Victor Buono in his book It Could Be Verse

Lord, My soul is ripped with riot
incited by my wicked diet.
"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man!
and, Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.

I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain!
but at my present weight, I'll need a crane.
So grant me strength, that I may not fall
into the clutches of cholesterol.

May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated,
that my soul may be poly unsaturated
And show me the light, that I may bear witness
to the President's Council on Physical Fitness.

And at oleomargarine I'll never mutter,
for the road to Hell is spread with butter.
And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;
and Satan is hiding in every waffle.

Mephistopheles lurks in provolone;
the Devil is in each slice of baloney,
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
and Lucifer is a lollipop.

Give me this day my daily slice
but, cut it thin and toast it twice.
I beg upon my dimpled knees,
deliver me from jujubees.

And when my days of trial are done,
and my war with malted milk is won,
Let me stand with Heavenly throng,
In a shining robe--size 30 long.

I can do it Lord, If You'll show to me,
the virtues of lettuce and celery.
If You'll teach me the evil of mayonnaise,
of pasta a la Milannaise
potatoes a la Lyonnaise
and crisp-fried chicken from the South.

Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.


swissmiss said...


I only ever buy candy I'll eat...and sometimes there is enough left over to hand out to the kids!

EC Gefroh said...

LOL. Now you know our little secret ;-)

Mulier Fortis said...

Karen, this is priceless!!!

WhiteStoneNameSeeker said...

It's my...chew, munch...halloween...munch,suck..too..chomp!
We also have three pumpkin lanterns-one of which, my 4yr old tells me is called George.

gemoftheocean said...

WSNS == I love it when kids name inanimate objects with a person's name. It tells me they have a lively imagination.

And Mac - I was trying recall the poem...couldn't remember who it was by or much of the exact lines to google. The one line that I remembered "cold" at the remove of nearly 40 years was "deliver me from jujubees." If memory serves right, I heard it on the David Frost show. Americans much younger than me, might not know who he is, but Britons certainly do. He gave THE best interviews ever. Of Americans, Dick Cavett gives the best ones - but there was something unique about Frost that was able to disarm the most button up person without making them feel threatened. He always coaxed lively interviews from anyone from sprots stars to retired statesmen. He did his homework and never asked stupid questions. He used to commute between NYC and London for a few years at the end of the 50s and being of the 70s when he was in his early 30s.

SWISS: ROTFL -- TOO true. I've been known to save some of the best for myself. ESPECIALLY when it gets down to the hours parents are driving their kids around. [A think that didn't happen in my day. From not-quite-dark to about 9, we raced through our neighborhood and tried to hit the "best" houses 1st. this was always a bit calculated...because the BEST treats were given out by the older grandfatherly and grandmotherly types, because when their kids (our parents( were growing up - hoemmade treats were the norm. That's where you got your carmel popcorn treats, cider, homemade brownies - we scored those first - but the "risk" was they'd want to coo over you for a good 10 minutes. We sucked it up though. they were the most memorable. Except for the littlest kids, kids weren't accompanied by their parents, as a rule of thumb. So from about 8 or 9 years old you went with 4 or 5 or 6 of your bestest friends...with the instruction to "have your butt home by nine." Those WERE the days of full sized candy bars though.

Right now the sun will set in about 20 minutes, so I'm waiting for that first group of the littlest kids and parents.

Esther, is there such a thing as a
Halloween lei?

Anonymous said...

Candy? Who buys candy? We turn off the lights and go out!

gemoftheocean said...

ROTFL Anon - Do you also set the perimeter with trip wire and bangalore torpedoes? Or is that over the top? :-D

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