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Friday, February 19, 2010

The Zenith of Tacky

How swellegant!!!

The Dalai Lama is escorted out a side door of the White House after meeting with Zero the other day.

Zero is trying to keep his hands around his ankles so as not to "offend" China, so he's treating the Dalai Lama worse than the Fuller Brush man.

What "ghetto czar" did Zero appoint allow house/grounds keeping standards to fall so low as to have stacked up trash bags by any White House entry or exit? I don't care if snow was up to people's backside in DC -- these people are paid to make sure EVERYTHING looks nice.

What did Zero serve him? Colt .45 out of the can and left over cold Chicken McNuggets on a bed of arugula with chopsticks?

Congrats, Zero. By comparison the Carter administration hit the Gold Standard.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Thank you Georgie

Washington, that is. I know people call it "President's day" But it isn't. Really. It's still officially "George Washington's Birthday" -- by act of congress. I wasn't thrilled about it being celebrated today, because it's only the 15....and his real birthday was later in Feb. BUT.....

....we ended up bailing from work early!!! Usually only govvie workers or associated types get a paid holiday...schools close, the mailman doesn't deliver, banks are shut....but a lot of people go to work this day.

Well, WE did too -- BUT our contact rate of customers was really low (we call on small to medium size business owners) -- so as we could scarcely get a janitor to talk to us (all the bosses tended to have taken the day off) OUR boss said "oh, the hell with it -- let's kick it." So WE clocked out at 11!!!

Is there ANYTHING better than an unexpected lunch period and afternoon off work?

It was in the Mid 70s today. FABULOUS WEATHER. [Eat your heart out.] So I took advantage and went for a swim at the Kroc Center in the early afternoon. There are 11 lanes in the competition pool, and by the time I got there there was still one left....all for MMEEEEEE~!!!!!!!!

WHEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! So I swam 1.5 miles. The pool was a little shaded down at one end.

So I was in just long enough to get some coloring back and some nice sunshine, but not long enough to get TOO much sun.

Perfect. Thank you, Georgie. Or I should thank your PARENTS, probably your dad in particular for getting "frisky" in the "lusty month of May"* of whatever year you were conceived in! I thank your mom for not having a headache. [And thank you for not getting your butt shot off in either the French and Indian War or the Revolutionary war, and not dying of smallpox when you were a teen and all that other stuff too.]

I'm going to see if I can find the slice of cherry pie that's calling me from a-far before I go to sleep tonight.

*[Yes, Stephen, I threw that in for you!]

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Did Jesus have ADHD?

Just asking.

John 13: 36-38 "Simon Peter said to Him "Master, where are you going?" Jesus answered [him], "Where I am going, you cannot follow me now, though you will follow later." Peter said to Him, "Master, why can't I follow you now? I will lay down my life for you." Jesus answered, "Will you lay down your life for me? Amen, amen, I say to you, the cock willnot crow before you deny me three times."


John 16:5 "But now I am going to the one who sent me, and not one of you asked me, 'Where are you going?'"

Uh, Jesus...Simon Peter asked you a couple of chapters ago....and where exactly were you guys for chapter 15 and 16 and 17? We know that you already "left the building." And of all gospels, why no words of institution during the Last Supper -- particularly after John 6. The most curious of omissions ever.

I still want to know if the Blessed Vigin Mary had Passover dinner with the Finkelsteins that night.

For Mac

Friday, February 12, 2010

HA Award - University of Sussex

Haven't given out one of these in a while, but the occasion merits it. Apparently, due to government budget cuts, the University of Sussex (UK) has decided that its History Department will no longer do research on English History prior to 1700!

I guess it makes it easier for the Muzzies if you can gradually blot out a nation's history.

Good grief.

From the Daily Telegraph:

"Academics have attacked a decision by a top university to scrap research into English history before 1700.

It was claimed that the move by Sussex University risked jeopardising the nation’s understanding of the subject and “entrenching the ignorance of the present”.
Under plans, research and in-depth teaching into periods such as the Tudors, the Middle-Ages, Norman Britain, the Viking invasion and the Anglo-Saxons will be scrapped, along with the Civil Wars.

The university will also end research into the history of continental Europe pre-1900, affecting the study of the Napoleonic wars and the Roman Empire.
The university said it was “reshaping” its curriculum and research following a £3m cut in Government funding"

Geez, just shut the whole department down if you're going to do something that stupid. Move what you have left to another University. What a joke.

Full article here.

I suppose the Electrical Engineering department will ignore teaching "Direct Current" and just concentrate on "Alternating Current" in order to save money.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Da Devil Made Me Do It


So there I was, at 7:05, a.m. haulin' it on into church, and when I rounded the corner to ascend the steps, there were three small girls, none over 6 or 7 at most, staring stricken at the door. I'd wondered a) where was mom/dad whomever was, and 2) if the door stop had been kicked out. #2 was not the case, so as I reached for the door, their mom came out and looked at me with a slightly panic stricken look.

She asked me: "Do you have any extra head coverings?" [Her waiting daughters were all bare-headed.] I can tell she MUST have been slightly panic stricken, because she'd ask me, of all people, who wouldn't wear a head covering in church if a gun were pointed at her head. "No [said I rather casually]" and then I said, "there are usually a few extra on the little table", and she said "not today." Sure enough I doubled checked after sticking my head in the door. No. Not a peptobismal pink or windex blue one in sight .. to say nothing of the more sedate black or white (I thought she might have missed a black or brown one. Church being kind of dark in the a.m.)

I cheerfully tried to reassure her, thinking that perhaps she could take a joke, and said "I think they'll be okay though, none of them are married and subject to a husband." She looked for a flash of a second as if I said "your mother wears army boots." Well....I went and sat down, and absentmindly wondered if she was a) going to forego Mass altogether, b) Kleenex 'em or 3) come up with something else.

At Communion time I noticed eldest daugher one had something borrowed from, apparently, a passing Muslim woman with an "extra" and really little kids 2 & 3, had been found winter jackets with hoods that were put up.

At least she didn't subject them to #2 -- I'd ALMOST said "back in the day, the killjoy nuns who hated us made us wear Kleenex" but I didn't want to take a chance of anyone else being traumatized for life, because had that been her only recourse, other than chancing men looking at them in a way men should not be destracted by "alluring" 4, 5 & 6 year olds, I think she'd have preferred to Kleenex 'em.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Threat Levels Around the World

Saw this online and can't stop laughing.

"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.”Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.”They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere…

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!”.
Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate”.Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!’, the more serious “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and finally “The barbie is canceled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.""

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

The perfect white Lie

I have to say women are sometimes prone to saying stupid things like:

"Karen, what do you think of Jane's new hat, isn't it wonderful?"

You think it looks hideous. But you don't want Jane to hate you forever.

The *perfect* answer?

"It suits her!" [said with enthusiasm.]

You're not lying, because you think Jane deserves a hat uglier than mortal sin.

A long time ago, I knew a young musician working on his master's degree. The musician had excellent taste. Some of his professors were into the kind of "music" which consisted of random noise from tire chains, thrown trash cans and the sound of dental drilling. He was often invited to these "concerts. "

His stock statement in backstage chatter after a performance was to shake the professor's hand and say "Your performance tonight was even more astonishing than the last. You've outdone yourself."

They never caught on.
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