Say, HERE'S a thought....how about instead of Fr. Hippy just blindly appointing "nice people" whom he's converted to the faith (whom he may have taught a watered down version of the faith) or appointing "Good ole Bob, who's old enough to know better, but was never exactly boned up on the Baltimore catechism to begin with" as an EM - How about having them all go up to the diocese for a simple test - if they can't answer a few basic questions, or don't seem to understand basic concepts, let's NOT allow them to be EMs. (And perhaps a periodic review test for certain deacons and priests?)
Let's start with:
1) Can a woman be an ordained deacon in the Catholic Church?
2) If at Mass you notice there were very few Hosts left to be put in the tabernacle, can you just go in the sacristy and grab some unconsecrated altar breads and then put them in the tabernacle after Mass? Or do you have to ask Fr. first....or is there a completely different answer? No, these are not "trick" questions. Can you add them to what's in the tabernacle before Mass?
3) Explain why it's a GOOD idea to "wish we could use individual paper cups for Communion like the protestants." [Yes, this is a trick question.]
4) If the priest tells you to not bother about chasing after people who don't put the Host in their mouths (or take it out, for that matter) do you ignore the priest and chase after the person, or do you do what Father says because "Father knows best."
5) IF you're assisting with the Communion Cup, discuss whether or not it's a good idea to leave the Precious Blood Unconsummed on the Credence table until after Mass.
6) A little refresher question for the deacons when you purify the chalice, do you:
a: brush the remains of the priest's Host off the paten with your thumb into the chalice, then hold your thumbs over the chalice, have the server pour the water over your thumbs into the chalice, drink the water (and crumbs from the Hosts) then dry your fingers, and then wipe out the chalice with the purificator
do you just wave the purificator around in the chalice to save time, omitting the other steps?
For extra credit, discuss how you would make sure there weren't a zillion crumbs from the Hosts left around in the ciboriums. For extra special credit discuss if you think it's a good idea for the priest to purify at least his own thumbs, paten and chalice himself - or at least use an ablution cup or SOMETHING rather than just put his own ciborium on the altar and then take a seat with no intervening steps.
I'm sure my gentle (and not so gentle) readers can think of other questions to add, but all of these questions would be on MY quiz, due to personal observation over the years interactions with EMs and a certain Deacon and a certain priest, all from real life situations in who would fail one or more of these questions.
Better yet, have a basic quiz designed by the Vatican, because doubtless, if SOME dioceses were left to it, they would come up with the WRONG answers as the "right" answers.
[BTW, don't go off on lack of training POST Vatican II -- as 4 of the 6 offenders are old enough to be old enough to know better....and yes, one was a deacon. There were some dumber than a post PRE-Vatican II folks too.]
Color me pissed off. And yes, Ive been saving this up. I can finally type "straight" after fuming over the incident which elicited question #3 this past Sunday.