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Wednesday, April 30, 2008

You must be Catholic if....

Jackie, over at Catholic mom of ten has posted some surefire signs that you are Catholic.

She forgot a few:

You have had a pet blessed. Your pet even got a St. Francis Medal. Well, you did, but you still consider it *her* medal.

You have more holy cards than a store. You even have holy cards your parents had, because you wouldn't consider throwing them out because they were blessed by the priest.

You also have holy cards from funeral Masses of people you don't even know.

When you were a kid you tried to collect as many medals of saints that you could. You still harbor your stash and have saints for all occasions.

You know people who've buried statues of Saint Joseph so their house gets sold. You know people for whom this has worked. Really.

You know someone who has draped a statue of a saint in black if they are mad at them. They also turned them to the wall as the "first warning." If they were still "bad in black" they got hung upside down too.

You call saints by their nicknames. "Tony" and you are tight with the car key thing.... Jude tells you to "Get lost" regards the inside straight ... "c'mon, you know I don't work like that..." "But you helped me with my chemistry exam." "That was different...." "How?" "I didn't want you to get your ass beaten by your mom and dad for goofing off and cutting class. You owe me bigtime." "Oh."

You have had your car blessed. Even if you are a gang-banger.

You keep from killing people because you are afraid you won't be sorry for it and will go to hell.

You have a bottle of Holy Water.

If you go on vacation, you still get your hiney to Mass. You check ahead. It occurs to you that when your protestant friends are on vacation out of town they don't normally go to church then. You are shocked. It was beyond the pale to you to learn that your protestant friends didn't even go to church on Christmas, unless it fell on a Sunday. And then it was a "maybe."

If you are a girl you are sorry you never got to do the actual May Crowning if you didn't get picked. Sister picked "suck ups." ;-D At least that's what you told yourself! If you did get picked: admit it, you were a goodie-two-shoes.

If you were a boy server in the day when all Masses used patens, you probably waited until the weather was "just right" so you could "charge up" along the carpet and nail your friends with a small electric shock by "accidentally" touching the paten under their chins. You smiled angelically after you did it.

You think all churches should smell faintly of incense, and are disappointed if they don't.

You always have a crucifix in your home. You are also "on to" the fact that hollyweird types always make sure their weirdo-serial-killer in the movie/TV show always had a cross prominently displayed when they are being questioned by the police. Even if they pass over them at first as a suspect, they always come back to them and they are "the one."

And somehow I forgot this one: the phrase "sister said" was the equivalent of "game, set, and match."

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Monday, April 21, 2008

7 things about Meeeeeee

Marie Therese over at Aussie Coffee Shop tagged me on this one.

1. I have to burn slightly before I tan. I forgot the "slightly" part last week.

2. One of life's unsolved mysteries for me is: "Why do the British have their bathtub sides so damn high? Are they trying to kill off their Old Age Pensioners?" If you know, let me know.

3. I can't wear yellow. I've tried. Failed. Every. Single. Time. Why do I bother? Slow learner.

4. I have a harmonica. I play it. Can I play tunes on it? No. Why do I like to fool around with it? Because harmonicas sound cool. It's keyed in "G." It's a good one too. Hohner.

5. I'm always disappointed if icing on a cake is whipped cream instead of butter creme frosting. I always think "what were you thinking?!" but I'm too polite to say so.

6. I had a year of tap when I was 10. Should have continued, 'cuz I was pretty good! Everybody said. For real. We moved and I had a lot of "Extras" around that time. Scouts, music, swimming, etc. So I never had bothered to sign up after we moved. My loss!

7. If it's a choice of "odds or evens" I always pick odds.

I tag anyone who feels like playing. And I still have another meme to do that I was tagged with back in early April, so no, I haven't forgotten.

1st Lesson in Mutually Assured Destruction

Our altar servers had their first lesson in "Mutually Assured Destruction" yesterday after Mass. Catherine and Francis alternate serving the 5:15 Sunday Mass. Last night after Mass I pulled the Easter Candle out of the stand so Catherine could blow it out.

Immediately, Francis had come up to the side of her and decided, that he too would like the visceral pleasure of blowing out the candle. Catherine and Francis then really took a quick inhale and expelled enough air to not only start a hurricane on the east coast ... BUT to also managed to blow the melted wax in such a way as to get each other's faces and hair spattered with wax. No mean feat, as they were standing almost next to each other when they did it rather than across from each other. Somehow they must have blown hard enough for the wax to hit the inside lip of the brass cachingadera opposite themselves and have the wax richochete[sp! - like I have the energy to look this word up] off back to them.

At 11 they are still going through the "hey, candles and fire are cool" stage, so for the heck of it I showed them after Mass the best way to light charcoal for the thurible. At 13 they'd be too jaded. I don't know if one ever gets over an "incense is cool" stage. Strike while the wax is hot.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Oh, HUSH, Egan

Okay, Is Egan going to drag this out ... he's going on, and on with this welcome, which should NOT be part of the Mass. Shut up, already! The pope is 81 and if you keep flapping your stupid jaws he's going to have to go to the bathroom before Mass is over. It ain't about you, baby. [I thought the entrance song was well sung, and this bozo is taking it down to the mundane. Pope Benedict, PLEASE wave this dingleberry away.]

Egan's elongated pronunciations are driving me crazy. I wish the pope would light up a cigarette, it might make Egan shut up. [God, now that idiot Egan is prattling in Spanish...gimmee a break...wake me when he gets to the Eskimoes....]

Saturday, April 19, 2008

I can just imagine this conversation

I love this sign outside my bank.

Me: Maggie, these nice people at Washington Mutual would like you to remain outside.

Maggie: What? You're going to leave me in a hot car? Leave the cell phone, I'm calling the ASPCA.

Me: Well, would you mind putting on a harness and making like Rin-Tin-Tin?

Maggie: You don't even pay me scale now.

Me: Are you going to be REALLY good this time? You're not going to drool all over the Assistant Manager are you?

Maggie: I do NOT drool over him, that guy is gorgeous. He gave me a squeaky toy last time.

Me: That was because you ate all the lollipops the time before last.

Maggie: Can I bite some people?

Me: NO!!!!! You almost got us thrown out last time....although I have to admit that man counting out $120 in pennies was asking for it.

Teller: What is this dog doing in here?

Me: I asked her to stay outside and she didn't want to. You must be new here.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Welcoming speech at White House and Pope's Birthday

You can read the full text of the remarks made by both President Bush and Pope Benedict here.

h/t to AP andL'Osservatore Romano for the photo

Bring it on...

...I have no problem throwing one of them into another one of them! [Particularly if they're little commie ba$tard$!!!!]


h/t orthometer

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

It ain't necessarily so...

This past Sunday the homily was on vocations, as I'm sure it was in most parishes. After Mass the deacon's grandson was galavanting around the sacristy a bit and the priest asked him "How old are you now?" "Six" came the reply. Father said: "When you're ready, you can learn to serve Mass." And I added: "And maybe when you grow up, you'll become a priest. You only have to work one day a week, you know." His eyes lit up with that "Really? How cool" look. Father, of course howled at that. And I said to him, "it's great when they're six, they buy that - at eleven they get that "hey, I bet s/he's lying to me" look. Father said: "Are you kidding? My doctor tells me it's a good thing I'm sedentary.... I just let him think that's so...."

Monday, April 7, 2008

The Governator and Me

Today, in an attempt to keep the governator of my state happy, I went down to get my car smogged so I can get my registration on my car up to date. It was a day Mulier-fortis could appreciate.

Two nights ago I was driving over to a friend's house and I noted the engine was running just a weensie bit hot - so I got there, and found I was about a quart low. No problem. I had a quart for such occasions and put it in all by myself.

Today I went down to get smogged, and after I drove up I looked at the front of the car, and there was this fine film of oil all over the front of the hood and bumper. Well, damn. Now what? So I roll on in and he opens the hood -- "where's the oil cap, and there's oil all over, it sure isn't going to pass inspection with an open whatevertechojargon...." I was *sure* I had put the cap on, not being that absentminded as a rule of thumb...but, either a poltergeist had stolen it, had been loose and had come off. H' I drove the 1/2 mile over to the friend's house and looked in the immediate area where I'd added the quart. No dice. Called over to the autoparts store. Yes, indeed, they had what I required for about 6 bucks. Drove there. Got two quarts and put one in, and did my best to wipe all visible surfaces that had gotten spritzed. Ended up using the better part of a roll of paper towel. I put a quart in figuring I'd lost at least that much, and got an extra but didn't put it in just in case.

I drove back to the service station, and got the car smogged. Passed with flying colors....BUT on closer inspection .... well, golly .... St. Anthony didn't want me to lose the first oil cap completely, he likes to play with my mind. So he'd wedged it BEHIND the oil reserve. I don't know who was more embarrassed, the service guy who'd missed it the first time around or me. But so help me, I heard Tony laughing his butt off. Good thing too, because that cap has the specific oil viscosity to use right on the cap, and I know I'd forget that again, as I don't have to put oil in hardly ever! When the guy checked the oil level, I was about 1/2 quart over. Sheesh. I must have driven about 120 miles from when the cap was loose and I "only" lost a quart of oil. Wow. Thanks, Tony. So now I have TWO oil caps. The bad part is I was also supposed to get to the DMV today, and that ain't happening.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

5 Critically Named Movies I Detest Meme

Mac at mulier-fortis tagged me on this one. Like her, I don't see many movies I think I'd dislike, BUT there are a few, sometimes against one's better judgment that you see and say: "There's "X" minutes of my life I will never have back." One's supposed to pick 5, but if you feel the need...go ahead and add more. You don't have to say WHY you disliked the movie, but it's fun.

1. 2001 A Space Odyssey. An ape staring at a monolith. Right. God knows why I saw this when I was 14. (It was in its 2nd release then.) I don't like sci-fi as a rule of thumb. Real life is a pain in the kazoo often enough without making up "other worlds" with weird crap like apes staring at monoliths. I'd have walked out but IIRC it was summer and I lived in the San Fernando Valley at the time and if it's a choice between air conditioning and bleeding from my eyes, on some days I'll chose the A/C whilst bleeding from the eyes. Maybe it was the pool man's day to come over to clean the pool and I had to cool off somewhere. That WAS the only theatre in my walking distance. I'm sure it was two trips to the popcorn stand. This was back when they used real butter.

2. The Hours -- How bad can a movie with Meryl Streep be? Meryl, you evil witch with a capital "B" - I know you have bills to pay like other people, but WHY? Is it possible to hate every single character in a movie? I did, including you... not to mention the director, the "best boy," the key grip....I don't remember if there was a "Wrangler" or not, but if there was I hate him too. Craft Services should have poisoned the whole bloody lot of you and then drunk hemlock.

3. American Beauty -- Gee, the general's a rightwing murdering cretin. How novel. We never saw that coming you long haired maggot infested pot smoking FM music types..... I bet you even have commie flags tacked up on the wall inside of your garage..

4. The Green Mile - Because. It RUINED watching the Fred Astaire Dancing Cheek to Cheek number. I wanted that guy to fry just because of that. Burn, baby, burn, disco inferno.

5. A Chorus Line -- I don't know if this qualifies, because only the stupidest of critics would acclaim this rape of one of the best Broadway shows ever written. If ever the station in life of empress devolves upon me, I will decree that every last copy of this movie be gathered up and consigned to Davey Jone's Locker, after it's been vaporized by a Death Ray Gun from some creepy sci-fi movie. I'll decree that right after issuing the ukase that any parent who allows anyone under the age of 13 (I'm being generous here) to record the message on the family answering machine message will be summarily shot.

I tag:

, Archangel's Pulpit, Kit, La Mamma, and Fr. Stretch. (And if you're itching to do this and haven't been tagged, feel free..)

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

April Fool's Anniversary

My parents, Edward H. and Catherine S. Horn were married on April 1, 1955. Both are now deceased. This was one of their formal wedding pictures. Neither had much money, but mom's bridal dress looked like a million bucks. Years later when I was looking at it, I noticed she had made the pattern and had hand sewn every stitch herself! She'd worked in a garment factory from the time she was 16 or so until she married my dad. The "sewing" gene was one I missed completely.


Because you can be foolish with them, and they don't mind a bit.

This one is now an angel dog, but still very near and dear to my heart.
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