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Saturday, August 1, 2009

Adam and Eve Unredacted

Time: 4 gazillion B.C.
Place: Garden of Eden
Dramatis Personae: Adam, the first dude; and Eve, the first woman - she has one more rib than he does; God - AKA "The Man Upstairs"

Act 1: Scene one [4:30 in the afternoon]

Adam: What's for dinner?
Eve: Liver and onions.
Adam: We just HAD liver and onions 2 days ago!
Eve: It was on sale.
Adam: You KNOW onions give me gas.
Eve: Oh. Phew. Light a match, baby. How about Left over Venison and Chitlins?
Adam: DAMMIT, WOMAN, I am SICK and TIRED of the SAME THING night after NIGHT !
Eve: YOU try coming up with something new every day of the year!
Adam: Look, for ONCE in your life, can you just SUPRISE me?

Act 1: Scene two [same day 6:30 in the evening]

Adam: Where've YOU been?
Eve: Look I went out and brought you back something you've NEVER eaten before, so kwitcherBitchin'!
Adam: But, but THAT's the "forbidden fruit!!!" I KNOW you were there when The Man Upstairs said NOT to eat that.
Eve: Well, you're so damn smart, you know everything, what difference could it possibly make?
Adam: Point taken. [Takes a bite and offers it to Eve, fade to black]

Act 2: Scene 1
[2 nanoseconds later - sound thunder, lightening]

GOD: HEY!!!!!
Adam: [to EVE] GET DRESSED!!!! QUICK!!!
Eve: What's "dressed?"
Adam: [all out of breath] It's where people aren't buck nekkid and they have something covering themselves....
Eve: IT REACHED 110F in the SHADE IN BASRA the OTHER DAY! Why would somebody do something so stupid?!?!
GOD: I'M WAITING!!!!
[Eve grabs a fig leaf]
Adam and Eve: [trying to look nonchalant] So what brings You here?
GOD: YOU KNOW.
Adam: [feigning ignorance] I dunno what you mean.
GOD: BULL. YOU DO KNOW.
Adam: All right, so we're busted!
GOD: Why'd you get dressed like that in a hurry, don't you know it was 110F in Basra the other day? Geez, and Eve thought you "knew everything." Dummy. For your penalty, you both have to remained dressed. Eve, you vixen temptress, you, not only do you have to remained dressed get into this burqua.
Eve: ARE YOU KIDDING IT WAS 110F IN BASRA!!!
GOD: That's YOUR problem. BTW, have fun with the hot flashes, I'm outta here. Keep away from my tree of knowledge!!!
Eve: Hot flashes? What are Hot flashes?
GOD: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!! [poof, He's gone]*

Act 2, Scene 2

Adam: Hey, good lookin', so what's cookin' now that the Man be gone?
Eve: Liver and onions...don't START with me....

* - proof positive that God is male - no woman, no matter how vindictive, would have dreamed up "hot flashes" and inflicted it on another woman.

8 comments:

Packrat said...

LOL No woman would have inflicted us with *men* (the kind that do stupid things), the monthly cramps or labor pain, either. LOL

Packrat said...

PS: Of course, we women are perfect. (Did you just see lightening strike?) :)

gemoftheocean said...

did I SEE the lightening strike?! SHEESH. It was like a bullet shot right next to me. Even worse. It was like lightening.

Some years back a friend of mine wasa relating to me how once she took off TWO "mental health days" in order to keep herself in check from snapping and killing a co-worker, much less her husband.

Scene: Husband, home semi-sick from work, decides as long as he's home, and starting to feel better, should perhaps "help" around the house by doing something useful. Like cleaning some thingamajob on the AC unit so it's not dirty. The AC unit instruction manual says: "Sure, go ahead in stick this filthy dirty thing in your wife's (notice it's not his too) dish washer." But hubby, being kind and considerate calls wifey at work and says "honey, since I'm home, how about me putting this filthy thingamabob from the AC into your nice, clean, pristine dish washer this manual says right here that I can do that." And she said "No, honey, don't do that, I know the AC unit says that, but the dishwasher manual clearly says "and by ALL means DO NOT let your husband put the filthy, dirty AC thingamabob in your nice, clean new dish washer, those AC people are EVIL and they're just mad we didn't hire them." Hubby: "are you SURE?" Wife: Yes, I'm sure. Wait til I get home and I'll give you a cookie. There's a good boy.

Naturally, thinking his wife would "never know the difference" he puts it in the dishwasher.

The inside turned blacker than Satan's heart.

She stayed home to next two days. One to clean the washer. She had to use an entire box of dish washer soap and run numerous times.
the other day was to recouperate. She was still so ticked off at him she wasn't sure she could control herself if a co-worker told her he screwed up her stapler or something while she was gone.

Packrat said...

I can relate. I'm still trying to recover from some real doozies my otherwise brilliant husband has pulled. I've thought about writing about them in my post, but I'm afraid that people would think he was totally inept and that I'm still carrying a grudge. (On that last one, they'd be right.)

Anonymous said...

That is unbelievably irreverent :¬0

gemoftheocean said...

Anon: I woke UP with a hot-flash!

Angela M. said...

Hot flashes - I can relate!

gemoftheocean said...

Tell me, Angela, I'm having one NOW....and it's 9:30 p.m. and it's cool outside.

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