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Monday, December 10, 2007

God Almighty, Please forgive Me

Welcome to my Daymare



I wasn't going to do it, but I'm in a b*tch of a mood, and I can't resist the thought of having a winning entry for the Carolina Cannonball's Ugly Vestment Contest stashed away in a deep dark corner of a closet in my parish's own sacristy. I got the entry in just under the wire. Click the photo for full impact.

Given how deep in the sacristy this "garment" has been tucked away, it is safe to say some loving, but misguided hands made it for the pastor at some point in his life. He is an only child, and his mother is long dead -- I'm hoping he doesn't have any crazy cousins. He can't have commissioned or picked out this chasuble himself. Every other one in the sacristy shows good workmanship and fine taste.

I expect, perhaps at one time he felt compelled to wear it once (probably said something like "gee, because you made this chasuble for me, how would you like me to say Mass for you in your very own home?") But frankly, I 'd be surprised if it's seen the light of day since. The colors have not been photoshopped in any way. The stole is a solid yellow with a green cross on each end. It has a charming? red zipper on it's left shoulder along the seam. The cloth is about the consistency of a heavy cotton table cloth. Not polyester, but don't hold that against me.

The pastor is a big bruiser who could probably knock out the teeth of anyone should he have been "forced" to wear it at some point. I'm just sorry his dog hasn't grabbed it off the hanger and made off with it to some far distant exile.

CC will be organizing a poll on her blog about Dec. 14th or so. I do hope you'll go vote for my entry if you think it "worthy" enough. There's something really kitschy in the offing, and that thought alone pushed me over the edge.

Almighty God, forgive me, for I have sinned without number.

Update: Carolina Cannonball has her poll on line on her front page -- this one is number 38 "Daymare", for some generous reason she put it under "Men's vestments" -- apparently there isn't a "transgendered" category. To peek at the whole shebang of men's vestments look here. My dial-up chokes on loading them all up, but believe me, I think mine easily fits in the top three of "all world bad."

As they say in Cook County - vote early, vote often. And remember, this "thing" wasn't even found on line but in my own sacristy. So help me if the church ever catches on fire, it will be the first thing I throw in.
.

19 comments:

ArchAngel's Advocate said...

At 1st I thought it might be 1 of those "ethnic" chasibules (like the kinte cloth ones of the 70's) but on closer examination I concure there is NO EXCUSE (good or bad) to account for this "garment" (& I use the term loosely

gemoftheocean said...

Yeah, and the spots of red throughout.... It's more like what would happen if a Hawaiian giraffe ate something and then threw up, with chunks of blood too... The zipper was the finishing "touch." The hole for the head to go through would easily accommodate a two headed person...and this "thing" needs a zipper to allow easier access?

Angela Messenger said...

I thought it looked like someone threw up mustard and kiwi fruit.

gemoftheocean said...

Angela, *very* apt description.

WhiteStoneNameSeeker said...

AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHH! Runs screaming from room and hides under the table.
I'll have nightmares!

gemoftheocean said...

You can menace small children with it: "If you kids don't shut up and behave, I'll put you in the dark in the closet with this thing."

I bet it would work better than threats of the boogie-man.

swissmiss said...

I don't think Don Ho would even wear this one. Arghhhhhhhhh!

And right in your own sacristy of all places. What else is lurking in there?

gemoftheocean said...

Swiss: Honestta God, nothing else that I've found. I'm convinced some admirer of the pastor made it for him. I hope you got the full effect and clicked the picture to enlarge it... see the red splotches and zipper for yourself. He has really good artistic taste himself, and I've never seen him celebrate Mass in anything remotely questionable. Though granted, Fr. S.'s Masses are the ones I most often by far attend.

But really NONE of the other garments even approaches this. This thing has provided many a giggle...though I'm afraid to ask him about it. With my luck it would be a story like:

"A lovely Hawaiian woman who was colorblind made this for me with each needle stitch hand sewn just before she died of cancer I had brought her and all 307 relatives of hers back to the church and every year on the anniversary of her death I say a private Mass (after I lock the doors and chase all but the server who is sworn to secrecy that I ever put this thing on) for the repose of her soul." With *my* luck that would be what happened.

Anybody else? "Great Scott -- I thought we threw away that joke thing someone sent us for Halloween years ago."

So I am reluctant to ask....
I'm afraid one day I'll just blurt out: "Who the hell gave you that!"

So I say.... *bupkis*

Maybe I'll menace the servers with it. "If you kids don't knock it off, I'll make you wear this at Mass...and THEN you'll be sorry..."

Adrienne said...

My eyes are bleeding.

angela - we call this "pizza heave" as in - check out the carpets in a Pizza Hut. They look like pizza heave to save on the cleaning bills:)

Philip said...

Clearly, this is a vestment intended for a "meaningful" liturgy, probably officiated by a lesbian clog dancer, or an English bishop. ("What's the difference?" I hear you cry!)

gemoftheocean said...

Lesbian clog dancer -- LOL! To my knowledge I thought the diocese of Los Angeles had cornered the market, but if there's an extra one or two around I wouldn't be surprised.

Angela Messenger said...

Adrienne - pizza heave! LMAO!!!

Phillip - lesbian clog dancer or English bishop ROFLMAO!!!!

ArchAngel's Advocate said...

The fire would toss it back.

And the lesbian clog dancer is more likely to be found a bit farther north. Think fog & the Golden Gate...

gemoftheocean said...

AA - of course, what was I thinking ... perhaps they'd draw more to the church if every Sunday was Gaudete Sunday...the Metropolitan Church of Gaudete....

Philip said...

Karen,

That's so funny! You have an English sense of humour!

diana said...

Oh how funny!

gemoftheocean said...

Philip, must have been all that English stuff I read growing up and now. Not so much now, because I don't have the time -- but somewhere along the way I picked up anglophile leaning, even though I only have 1/8th UK ancestry. we think there may be a little Welsh thrown in too.
I think I fell in love while reading Tom Brown's Schooldays. Sayers, Shakespeare, Waugh ... and for low-brow, nothing takes the cake like the Adrian Mole diaries. Oh. And Pepys. Sometimes it's just fun to take today's date and see what old Sam was up to that day. Never got into Austen though. I must have started Pride and Prejudice 10 times and ended throwing it against the wall 10 times. Jane Eyre blows too. JMO! Agathe Christie's fun too...but IMO she can't hold a candle to Sayers. Hasn't affected my spelling though. Except for "theatre." Probably because I'm a semi-snob about it! ;-D

Karen

pelerin said...

It reminds me of the 'tie and dye' material I made during my art school days in the 60s - that was hideous too!

gemoftheocean said...

Pelerin: Hi. Ooo....tie dye. I remember when that was in for about 5 months or so about 1969 or so. That and spin art! What's great about it, is it doesn't even PRETEND towards any sense of symmetry.

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