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Wednesday, April 30, 2008

You must be Catholic if....

Jackie, over at Catholic mom of ten has posted some surefire signs that you are Catholic.

She forgot a few:

You have had a pet blessed. Your pet even got a St. Francis Medal. Well, you did, but you still consider it *her* medal.

You have more holy cards than a store. You even have holy cards your parents had, because you wouldn't consider throwing them out because they were blessed by the priest.

You also have holy cards from funeral Masses of people you don't even know.

When you were a kid you tried to collect as many medals of saints that you could. You still harbor your stash and have saints for all occasions.

You know people who've buried statues of Saint Joseph so their house gets sold. You know people for whom this has worked. Really.

You know someone who has draped a statue of a saint in black if they are mad at them. They also turned them to the wall as the "first warning." If they were still "bad in black" they got hung upside down too.

You call saints by their nicknames. "Tony" and you are tight with the car key thing.... Jude tells you to "Get lost" regards the inside straight ... "c'mon, you know I don't work like that..." "But you helped me with my chemistry exam." "That was different...." "How?" "I didn't want you to get your ass beaten by your mom and dad for goofing off and cutting class. You owe me bigtime." "Oh."

You have had your car blessed. Even if you are a gang-banger.

You keep from killing people because you are afraid you won't be sorry for it and will go to hell.

You have a bottle of Holy Water.

If you go on vacation, you still get your hiney to Mass. You check ahead. It occurs to you that when your protestant friends are on vacation out of town they don't normally go to church then. You are shocked. It was beyond the pale to you to learn that your protestant friends didn't even go to church on Christmas, unless it fell on a Sunday. And then it was a "maybe."

If you are a girl you are sorry you never got to do the actual May Crowning if you didn't get picked. Sister picked "suck ups." ;-D At least that's what you told yourself! If you did get picked: admit it, you were a goodie-two-shoes.

If you were a boy server in the day when all Masses used patens, you probably waited until the weather was "just right" so you could "charge up" along the carpet and nail your friends with a small electric shock by "accidentally" touching the paten under their chins. You smiled angelically after you did it.

You think all churches should smell faintly of incense, and are disappointed if they don't.

You always have a crucifix in your home. You are also "on to" the fact that hollyweird types always make sure their weirdo-serial-killer in the movie/TV show always had a cross prominently displayed when they are being questioned by the police. Even if they pass over them at first as a suspect, they always come back to them and they are "the one."

And somehow I forgot this one: the phrase "sister said" was the equivalent of "game, set, and match."


Anonymous said...

Great additions Karen!

gemoftheocean said...

Thanks, Jackie.

Anonymous said...

My favorite is: "You think all churches should smell faintly of incense, and are disappointed if they don't"

Very good list.

Cathy said...

Uhhhh - *I* did the May Crowning, missy...


gemoftheocean said...

C'mon, Ma ... I bet you stayed after school to clap the erasers too! ;-D

Dymphna said...

What? You mean priest still bless cars if you ask. I am sending my husband to the rectory asap.

Adrienne said...

I fit just about every one of those thingys. I never turned a statue to the wall, though.

We have so many big crucifixes and statues in our house you might think you're in a church.

swissmiss said...

I have a huge bin of holy cards with many for folks I don't know. I've inherited bibles and religious items from family members and cannot dispose of these things since I would feel horrible! I agree with Tara about the incense, but have never done anything mean to a statue since I would fear the saint might smack me upside the head! Plus, I probably need all the friends I can get if I hope to make it passed St. Peter some day. Never know when you'll need someone to run interference!

la mamma said...

Now here's an odd thing - I reckon I'm pretty Catholic but hardly any of those things apply to me... except the finding a Mass when on holiday thing. That's much easier than it used to be with parish websites but *always phone too*, people, as I've been caught out with inaccurate info. Must now go and check JP's list...

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