Wednesday, April 30, 2008
You must be Catholic if....
Jackie, over at Catholic mom of ten has posted some surefire signs that you are Catholic.
She forgot a few:
You have had a pet blessed. Your pet even got a St. Francis Medal. Well, you did, but you still consider it *her* medal.
You have more holy cards than a store. You even have holy cards your parents had, because you wouldn't consider throwing them out because they were blessed by the priest.
You also have holy cards from funeral Masses of people you don't even know.
When you were a kid you tried to collect as many medals of saints that you could. You still harbor your stash and have saints for all occasions.
You know people who've buried statues of Saint Joseph so their house gets sold. You know people for whom this has worked. Really.
You know someone who has draped a statue of a saint in black if they are mad at them. They also turned them to the wall as the "first warning." If they were still "bad in black" they got hung upside down too.
You call saints by their nicknames. "Tony" and you are tight with the car key thing.... Jude tells you to "Get lost" regards the inside straight ... "c'mon, you know I don't work like that..." "But you helped me with my chemistry exam." "That was different...." "How?" "I didn't want you to get your ass beaten by your mom and dad for goofing off and cutting class. You owe me bigtime." "Oh."
You have had your car blessed. Even if you are a gang-banger.
You keep from killing people because you are afraid you won't be sorry for it and will go to hell.
You have a bottle of Holy Water.
If you go on vacation, you still get your hiney to Mass. You check ahead. It occurs to you that when your protestant friends are on vacation out of town they don't normally go to church then. You are shocked. It was beyond the pale to you to learn that your protestant friends didn't even go to church on Christmas, unless it fell on a Sunday. And then it was a "maybe."
If you are a girl you are sorry you never got to do the actual May Crowning if you didn't get picked. Sister picked "suck ups." ;-D At least that's what you told yourself! If you did get picked: admit it, you were a goodie-two-shoes.
If you were a boy server in the day when all Masses used patens, you probably waited until the weather was "just right" so you could "charge up" along the carpet and nail your friends with a small electric shock by "accidentally" touching the paten under their chins. You smiled angelically after you did it.
You think all churches should smell faintly of incense, and are disappointed if they don't.
You always have a crucifix in your home. You are also "on to" the fact that hollyweird types always make sure their weirdo-serial-killer in the movie/TV show always had a cross prominently displayed when they are being questioned by the police. Even if they pass over them at first as a suspect, they always come back to them and they are "the one."
And somehow I forgot this one: the phrase "sister said" was the equivalent of "game, set, and match."