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Sunday, February 7, 2010

Threat Levels Around the World

Saw this online and can't stop laughing.

"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.”Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.”They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere…

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!”.
Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, mate”.Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!’, the more serious “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and finally “The barbie is canceled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.""


HEATHER said...

What a hoot!! LOL!

Rob said...


Patricius said...

Brilliant! So true to life!

Packrat said...

Ouch, but funnier than heck. LOL

Stephen said...

The Spanish deployment may be delayed. Their air traffic controllers are threatening to go on strike... and, what's worse, they're going to take both pairs of binoculars with them.

Larry Denninger said...

Very very funny!

.The Cellarer said...

The b*stards in question at the moment are firstly bankers - no one admits to being a banker here at the moment, and nationally we are a bit embaressed it was Bank of Scotland and Royal Bank of Scotland who were particularly at fault. The other b*astards being New Labour, traditional Labour voters are finally realising that since the 90's Labour are not looking out for them and the knives are about to be wielded in the forthcoming election.

Anonymous said...

I don't find this post a 'hoot', 'outstanding', or 'so true to life', I think it is clever sarcasm which is at odds with the amount of troops from coalition forces, dying on the front line, defending democracy.


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