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Friday, June 11, 2010

How various religions cope with changing lightbulbs

* Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.
* Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
* Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
* Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
* Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
* Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
* Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
* Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
* Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
* Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
* Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
* Amish: What's a light bulb?

3 comments:

Patricius said...

Brilliant!

The Cellarer said...

OK, how many Russian Orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Orthodoxy never changes, and, in addition to burning candles like the Roman Catholics, uses oil-burning lamps. ‘Electricity is for those Gregorian calendar-using, liberal ecumenist jurisdictions.’

Pastor in Valle said...

Oratorians? The person to do the changing, deacon, subdeacon, two acolytes, thurifer, master of ceremonies, choir, orchestra and (optionally) congregation.

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